Overcoming my biggest obstacle; myself.

Some people say they have little bubbles which is their comfort zone, I would think of my comfort zone as a secluded fort with walls built around it. Inside of my comfort zone consists of my friends, my favorite books and my favorite Christmas lights. It sounds super cozy and lovely, and all though it may be super rad I will never reach the goals I've set for myself inside of this area.

   I decided that my sophomore year I wanted to work on being less awkward, so I signed up for this drama emphasis english/social studies class. First day of school comes around I am a nervous wreck the night before, I stayed up all night thinking of every moment of the following day; what I would wear, I practiced introducing myself "Hello, My name is Karizma Houze" (I practiced this over and over again). I double checked my back pack probably a good 10 times, reorganized my binder, studied my schedule. The morning comes and I'm so anxious, I was stressing over stress before there was something to stress about. The bus pulls up, I get on and sit next to my friend & everyone is talking about their classes. We arrive at the school, I nervously walk to the little drama room, TERRIFIED of the upper class-men; fun fact I was afraid of being thrown into the trash like in movies. Anyways, I walk to down the hallway to my class and the bell rings. If you know me you would know I HATE being late to things, it is the most awkward things. I stand out in the hallway thinking through my next move, Mr. Tavern see's me through the window and I'm just bawling my eyes out. He come's out into the hallway and make's me feel better about being late, cracking jokes with me, he stood there until I was calm and we walked into the class. From that moment forward He has always pushed me to do incredible things. In his class throughout the year I started working on public speaking, acting and being able to handle situations without getting super stressed out. He kept trying to convince me to audition for a play, I was super nervous and decided to just do stage-crew which was a lot of fun. 

   Fast forward to junior year.

  In December I was talking with some of my friends about wanting to improve myself and stepping out of my comfort zone even more, they supported me and pushed me to be the best version of myself I could.  My first step out leaving my comfort zone was auditioning for the marvelous musical HAIRSPRAY. It was one of the most nerve wrecking things I had done up to that point. Auditions go well, minus the fact I was sick ( I always get so sick from November- March). I check the cast list nervously over and over again, my computer decided to freeze but I kept getting calls from my friends "Hey congrats" I was super confused and they told me the cast list was up BUT MY COMPUTER WOULDN'T LET ME SEE IT. I later than saw I had been casted and it was an amazing program to be apart of. It really helped me get over more of my anxiety. 

   The next step in leaving my comfort zone was dressing nicer, I wore like sweats or leggings 95% of the time. Because I was afraid of being judged for what I wore, I was only really afraid of being judged walking through the commons *shudder*. I had told my friend's Aryana, Kourtny, Kayla and some more of them that I was going to take a week and dress nicer. Which I did successfully, although I was super self conscious that week, but it did feel good to dress how I wanted to. Aryana told me she was super proud of me and it felt good to be supported. Since that moment I've started dressing nicer always, and I wear sweats only in public sometimes. 

    A major event that made me feel like I was leaving my comfort zone is when I stopped hating on my body. Not a lot of people know this in fact I never end told my parent's was that I struggled with bulimia for a while, it started in 8th grade I believe and I stopped middle of junior year. It was actually one of the crappiest things I ever put my body through all because I wanted to have the "perfect" body. For other's who feel that turning to bulimia or anorexia to look a certain way, please please PLEASE DO NOT. It is incredibly difficult to stop, my body still has the urge to throw up after I eat and it really sucks, but I have told myself that I will never do it because it is so damaging to your body. I love myself now, and I haven't weighed myself in a while because I don't want to think that number defines me as a human being. It is one of the most relieving feelings in the world to look at myself and say good things. I used the method of look in the mirror everyday and say things I love about myself, it's been incredibly helpful and I recommend it to everyone who struggles with self image. 

I've accomplished some pretty great things besides these; getting a job at a female empowerment place where I work on public speaking and being able to voice my opinions. I arranged a piece for a small group with my close friend Aryana, which I conducted. I would still like to continue improving myself. My main focuses would be to stop second guessing myself so much. Stop worrying about how other's view me and focus on how I view myself. I want to work on being self conscious, and to stop asking people if they are upset with me when I feel self conscious. I want to work on not putting myself down and to trust my instincts, to speak up more when I want something or need something. I'd also like to not feel so anxious in the commons at school. That sounds super pathetic about the commons, but I genuinely hate it so so much. Aryana make's fun of me sometimes because I get super awkward and I walk super fast when we have to walk through the commons. 

I wouldn't have ever left my comfort zone without my friend's pushing me to do great things. Especially; C.S, Aryana L.P, Kourtny P, Ben W, Kayla P, Kenzi M, Jasmin V, Emma W, Emily A. Harrison W and Kenna R.

A huge thank you to My dad Willie H. for always being there to support me in thing's I want, thanks for telling me to take thing's one step at a time and for listening to me vent always about things stressing me out. 

An ever bigger thank you to the lovely Mr. Tavern, for always pushing me to do my best in everything I do. And for making your room a safe place for all the kid's whom hate the commons. Y'all are huge blessings. 

                                                  - Just an awkward, Outspoken writer. 

If you struggle with an eating disorder, self hatred, self harm or suicidal thoughts please reach out. Know you matter and are loved more than you can ever imagine. Reach out to a trusted adult, or friend. 

Here are some GREAT resources I recommend; 

Self Harm;

 Crisis text line; http://www.crisistextline.org/textline/ 

S.A.F.E: http://www.selfinjury.com/ (800) 366- 8288 

Anorexia Help:

Rosewood Center for Eating Disorders; http://www.rosewoodranch.com/eatingdisordersrecoveryprograms (844) 920- 9401 

A place of hope: https://www.aplaceofhope.com (425) 771- 5166 

BulimiaHelp; 

Yellow Youth Pages; https://teenlineonline.org/youth-yellow-pages/eating-disorders (310) 855-4673

Nedia: http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/find-help-support (800) 931-2237