Life and Love.

I've developed this really great mindset lately with my depression. I've been surrounding myself with people who love me and growing closer to Jesus, and with each day I put in retrospect how great this life I've been given is going to be. I know that God will use these trials one day, and they make me a stronger individual. I know that I always have room for growth and that keeps me going. Sometimes you just need to flip on the switch of things will be okay, and with that being said I've been thinking about things I'm excited for in my future; I have these ideal images of how my life will be once I graduate and I can be myself. I am excited for road trips with good friends, and eating at diners with cute phrases on the mugs and good pancakes, and to explore Whidbey island. I want to dance silly with someone I love overlooking a beautiful scenery as the sun sets and I just realize how in love with them I am. I'm excited for someone to love every aspect of me. I...

This week was hell, this week was hell. Did I mention it was hell?! I literally have had no motivation to get dressed so I wore what I slept in everyday this week to school. I'm not sleeping too much either and I constantly have this migraine and foggy feeling. It's like not being there, but physically being present. My depression has always flared up a lot around fall and winter and it really sucks because they are my favorite seasons and I want to do so much, but I can't find the motivation. And I'm not saying "oh my gosh I'm depressed because I feel sad" nor am I being a dramatic teenager. I just feel numb and nothing at all, yet I feel everything at once. I'm starting to get so tired of people saying oh I'm sad so I must be depressed, that's not what depression is at all. For my sixteenth birthday we took a family vacation to Disney World and from what I remember it was fun. However I felt so incredibly numb emotionally and mentally that I...

It has officially hit me, that its my senior year and that these moments count. I mean sure I've had senioritis since preschool, and the whole academic of school is kind of meh but still its crazy how fast this is all going by. I've reached this point where dressing up is no longer my main focus, I find myself using the term "eh, I'm a senior" way too often and its scary. Do you ever just procrastinate, literally? Because I do that with everything and anything lately. (Why am I like this?!) I am constantly feeling incredibly sleepy during class, and I catch myself saying oh I'll do my homework tonight. which never happens. You could say the case of senioritis has hit me really hard. And I'm wanting to graduate, drop out and make everything slow down all at once. Have you ever just stepped back from a situation and observed? I did this the other day during p.e while we were sitting in the commons because the gym was being used. Instead of goofing off with m...

I've been asking myself this question for some time, who am I? and when I try to answer it I usually use a label such as oh I'm a musician, or I'm a dweeb. And I am these things however they don't define me, they more add to who Karizma is as a whole. Sometimes life gets messy, and you feel like you don't have your stuff together which can be the most frustrating feeling in the world. And on this stormy Monday evening, as the rain hits my window and I have Keaton Henson quietly playing in the background I'm pondering this question over and over again. Who am I?     Sometimes people can experience this weird feeling as you look in the mirror of woah this is me, this is my body and this is my life. And sure physically I'm a 5'3" 1/2, African American, Native American, white, 17 year old who has slight acne, shortish brown hair and eyes that look black sometimes. I have an average sized body, I have smallish hands. My cheeks are slightly chunky, a...

Does anyone else fear missing out on something great, so you roadblock yourself? Because boy is that me. I'm literally one of the most indecisive people you will ever meet and it's for the pure sake of I feel if I settle down for something that I will miss something amazing. I'm constantly debating between several choices whether it comes to what I wear, what song I pick to listen to in the car, what food I eat and so much more. I can not listen to a full song because I get this feeling of okay change it before you miss a call song, in my stomach and it's the worst. I literally stood in a ice cream shop in Hawaii for thirty minutes debating between pineapple and mango flavored sorbet. Some may ask, karizma WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS. to which I would respond I DON'T KNOW AND IM SORRY. I never know what I want. Ever. And it's something I hate and love about myself. I love everything and everyone yet I don't at the same time. I love and hate fall, and winter. I wa...

As a teenager one of the most stressful things is trying to find yourself, you explore what you like and dislike, you figure out your beliefs on particular topics and you formulate morals.all of these things can be incredibly difficult for some, especially when you have one group of people holding you to certain expectations and others telling you what to be and how to feel. I've been in this foggy mindset for quite sometime and it's very difficult to explain. I'm feeling too much and saying too little because I can't figure out how to explain it entirely. And I've been dismissing these feelings because I think eh they'll pass. You go through the motions; wake up, eat breakfast, shower, attend school which consists of socializing and using so much energy to make it through the day. Then you've got activities which span anywhere from sports, to theatre & church events. And people sometimes catch on to you feeling and looking incredibly drained, and when t...

Lately I've been feeling every emotion. I feel way too much and I say too little because I can't find the words to describe these emotions. Throughout all of highschool I dated someone, first it was C.S and than it was h.w, and my dad always told me that it seemed like I needed to date someone to feel valid. Which I never really realized until this school year, that I wanted attention from someone romantically so I felt like a good person, like I was doing everything correct. I absolutely love the idea of love, I love everything cliche; long walks on the beach, the notebook, looking at stars, guy gets the girl, etc. However instead of trying to love someone else, I've been learning to love myself and fall in love with everything around me which is so eye opening. The world has a lot of cruel and harsh things going on but I've learned that I love all the amazing things going on too. I love the way the leaves fall when it's windy, I love the way my ukulele and piano s...

My life has changed and plans I had didn't necessarily work out, the way I wanted them to.  Let's start at the beginning, In second grade I moved in with my grandparents whom adopted me (I call them my mom and dad, not many know this). I started school at pope elementary and absolutely loved it. The teachers were amazing, my friends were incredible and that is where my choir teacher passion started. It was weird to be the new kid though, however as a child it's so much easier to make friends. you just play kickball, or tag and boom you've got best friends. I stayed at pope until 6th grade, moved up to glacier view and that is where I met my closest of friends; e.w, k.p, j.v, e.a, a.l-p & a.t. They are the greatest gals I've ever met, although we weren't as close in junior high as we are now. I needed to do a lot of growing up in junior high in order for us to reach the point we are today. Glacier view was amazing though, LOVED choir, loved my friends and my...

I've been trying to think how I wanted to tackle the subject of everything going on in the world that upsets me right now, and I think I've finally been able to process and verbalize these things. The first thing that makes me very infuriated and sad would be rape culture. Why is it so hard for someone to understand that no means no. if someone does not say yes, I am consenting to this then don't proceed. Don't force people to do sexual things. Don't touch someone if they don't want you to. Just respect people, respect their space, their wishes and desires. As being a young woman who will be applying for colleges soon the main thing I've been looking into is campus safety and how the school handles sexual assault cases. The sexual harassment cases I've read about online and watched interviews about all have something in common and that is, when they reported being sexually assaulted the school didn't take these complaints seriously. And that make...

This past year I've grown more as an individual, but especially this summer. And I set a goal; to fall in love with myself and this planet. I've always sold myself short, especially during school. I procrastinate anything and everything, I put off doing my homework and I let my grades fall. I've never really sweat any of this until recently, when the big senior year is approaching. I've been thinking about my decision to serve in the airforce, and college. After checking out colleges I'm disappointed in myself for not taking my grades serious, and for not putting aside my wants in order to focus on my needs. I've set my mind to appreciate myself more, acknowledging that I am an intelligent being. I made some decisions this summer that I thought were best for me, and I learned God has different plans then my own. With these decisions I was in a funk, where I wasn't appreciating the little things like I should. I was not valuing myself. Within the past month I...

At work these last two day's we have been writing our bio's for the zine, and discussing things that make us who we are. I think its weird how little we know about those around us, those we go to school with, work with, etc. We know the bare minimum: their name, age, sometimes we know their favorite colors. But we never really know what make's them who they are, unless we are incredibly close. After thinking about these things at work I've decided I wanted to blog all about myself, discussing what makes me Karizma. I found these cool in-depth questions on tumblr that I will answer along with some other topics I want to touch on. Lets get started. Put your music on shuffle and name the first 6 songs that pop up; - Take yours & I'll take mine (acoustic) by Matthew Mole - Where's your heart gone by Golden Youth - As we are now by Saint Raymond - Coffins by Misterwives - All the pretty girls by Kaleo - Temporary Love by The Brinks If you could meet any...

I am bookstores & Christmas lights.  I come from vanilla candles & Starwars marathons. I hear Indie/Folk music playing as I detox and journal. I see my friends & I sitting on the roof staring at stars. I want no more name calling, empty promises and fake apologies. I pretend to be confident but in reality I'm incredibly self conscious. I feel unappreciated and devalued when people put me down and don't support me. I touch my phone when I'm nervous, constantly locking and unlocking it. I worry about anything and everything; from how people view me & if they approve, to what will I wear to work tomorrow. I cry when I get frustrated & when I feel sad. I am tired of the hatred going on in the world around us.  I understand those who don't feel important to others & feel judged for being different. I say sorry too much & forgive those who don't deserve it. I dream about adventuring, my future filled with my future children & s...

Some people say they have little bubbles which is their comfort zone, I would think of my comfort zone as a secluded fort with walls built around it. Inside of my comfort zone consists of my friends, my favorite books and my favorite Christmas lights. It sounds super cozy and lovely, and all though it may be super rad I will never reach the goals I've set for myself inside of this area.    I decided that my sophomore year I wanted to work on being less awkward, so I signed up for this drama emphasis english/social studies class. First day of school comes around I am a nervous wreck the night before, I stayed up all night thinking of every moment of the following day; what I would wear, I practiced introducing myself "Hello, My name is Karizma Houze" (I practiced this over and over again). I double checked my back pack probably a good 10 times, reorganized my binder, studied my schedule. The morning comes and I'm so anxious, I was stressing over stress before there...

From a young age we have these expectations & norms forced upon us; it begins when we first enter the world our nursery's are painted colors for certain genders. Pink for girls, everything frilly and barbies. Blue for boys, sports, "macho" toys like G.I Joe and action figures. We are placed in these little boxes and God forbid we be expressive, unique human beings. Let girls play with G.I Joe's. Let boys play dress up, let girls play football, let boys take ballet without calling them weird.       Phrases get thrown around all the time "Act like a lady" for women and "Toughen up"  for men. What exactly does it mean to act like a lady? Lady's are expected to; be polite, timid, obedient & submissive to the men, know's how to cook. She should be fragile, lovely, graceful, classy, vulnerable, emotional (kind, motherly, empathetic). She shouldn't be revealing but be a tease at the same time. She is supposed to remain pure and innoc...