This week was hell.
This week was hell, this week was hell. Did I mention it was hell?! I literally have had no motivation to get dressed so I wore what I slept in everyday this week to school. I'm not sleeping too much either and I constantly have this migraine and foggy feeling. It's like not being there, but physically being present. My depression has always flared up a lot around fall and winter and it really sucks because they are my favorite seasons and I want to do so much, but I can't find the motivation. And I'm not saying "oh my gosh I'm depressed because I feel sad" nor am I being a dramatic teenager. I just feel numb and nothing at all, yet I feel everything at once. I'm starting to get so tired of people saying oh I'm sad so I must be depressed, that's not what depression is at all.
For my sixteenth birthday we took a family vacation to Disney World and from what I remember it was fun. However I felt so incredibly numb emotionally and mentally that I don't remember much from that trip. I remember it raining, and me forcing smiles and trying to pretend I was okay because I didn't know how to explain to my parents what was going on in my head. We even planned a day to universal studios and that was the worst day ever. I was so sick physically from not sleeping and functioning at high-performance that it made my body want to crumble up and sleep for a month. I couldn't tell my parents "hey I don't feel okay emotionally, and I pushed myself too hard that it made me sick". Instead I told them it was just cramps and I went along with the day. It was good minus the elephant in the room. I rode lots of rides, ate good food and made some memories with my family I now have pictures of. However it was also crappy, I was drowning mentally, I got whiplash from riding the hulk ride too many times, and I cried atleast six times in the bathroom. I'm so incredibly thankful for the vacation my parents took me on, but I most valued the me time I got at night as I walked outside to the gazebo and just looked at the stars. I would say to myself; it's going to be okay. Breathe in, breathe out. You're alive and you can feel things physically and everything you feel numb about will one day make sense and you'll be okay. Breath in, breathe out. Cry a little. Go back to the room and try to sleep. I repeated this every night for that whole trip.
But why is this affecting me currently?
Ever since eight grade my head has been a mess, even more so than ever. I keep forgetting to take care of myself. I'm going through the motions and dismissing what I'm feeling because I don't know how to verbally express it. My mind is a mess and it's affecting my heart. I keep developing these crushes on everyone I'm close friends with and then I over romanticize situations to get my mind focusing on other things. Everything is so fricking draining and it's starting to concern me to the point where I'm going to seek counseling. But what scares me most is everything in my classes is going over my head and I'm not absorbing anything being taught. KARIZMA COME ON GET YOUR CRAP TOGETHER is what you might be thinking right?? Like why do you feel this way?! I have a nice house, I always have food, my parents love me despite our arguments. My friends are cool and I've got some things going for me. So why can't I just feel okay?! Ahhhh. I'm so worried for my senior trip family cruise this week. I'm worried that I won't enjoy my time because I will be too focused on trying to be okay. I'm worried that it will zip past me and I'll go through the motions. But everything will be okay right, I mean I keep telling myself that. I'm throwing myself into social situations and I can just feel myself zoning out. I'm not listening to conversations and I'm messing up my speech when I respond to people. I promise I'm not avoiding anyone or ignoring people when you talk to me. My minds just an absolute wreck right now and I'm trying my best. And I know my blog is probably becoming too personal and annoying to which I apologize but I'm trying to show that's it's totally okay, to not be okay. And this is something people should talk about more. I shouldn't have to feel like I have to keep my thoughts to myself, or that I can't tell people because it makes me feel weak. Please, please, please if you are going through the same thing or something similar talk to someone. See a counselor, talk to a trusted adult. Take your meds, take a bath, use peppermint lotion on your chest and your legs, turn on classical music and go to bed. Eat ice cream, buy nail polish that makes you happy. Watch your favorite movie. Sit in a car with someone you trust and just cry. And sleep, please please sleep. I've started writing myself letter when things are really bad, and I write about how my future will be super cool whether it be in five years or five weeks. And my blog posts are not only advice for others but advice for myself.
Know you are valued and loved beyond explanation. I'm oh so proud of you for everyday simple things you're accomplishing. Maybe you got out of bed today, and you did a tad bit of homework. Maybe you drank water and ate some food. Maybe you slept for more than two hours.
Sometimes life gets tough, but just know you will never be alone. I have so much love for everyone going through similar things and I'm always a message away.
Take care of yourselves, you lovely formations of art ❤
- just an awkward, outspoken writer.
For my sixteenth birthday we took a family vacation to Disney World and from what I remember it was fun. However I felt so incredibly numb emotionally and mentally that I don't remember much from that trip. I remember it raining, and me forcing smiles and trying to pretend I was okay because I didn't know how to explain to my parents what was going on in my head. We even planned a day to universal studios and that was the worst day ever. I was so sick physically from not sleeping and functioning at high-performance that it made my body want to crumble up and sleep for a month. I couldn't tell my parents "hey I don't feel okay emotionally, and I pushed myself too hard that it made me sick". Instead I told them it was just cramps and I went along with the day. It was good minus the elephant in the room. I rode lots of rides, ate good food and made some memories with my family I now have pictures of. However it was also crappy, I was drowning mentally, I got whiplash from riding the hulk ride too many times, and I cried atleast six times in the bathroom. I'm so incredibly thankful for the vacation my parents took me on, but I most valued the me time I got at night as I walked outside to the gazebo and just looked at the stars. I would say to myself; it's going to be okay. Breathe in, breathe out. You're alive and you can feel things physically and everything you feel numb about will one day make sense and you'll be okay. Breath in, breathe out. Cry a little. Go back to the room and try to sleep. I repeated this every night for that whole trip.
But why is this affecting me currently?
Ever since eight grade my head has been a mess, even more so than ever. I keep forgetting to take care of myself. I'm going through the motions and dismissing what I'm feeling because I don't know how to verbally express it. My mind is a mess and it's affecting my heart. I keep developing these crushes on everyone I'm close friends with and then I over romanticize situations to get my mind focusing on other things. Everything is so fricking draining and it's starting to concern me to the point where I'm going to seek counseling. But what scares me most is everything in my classes is going over my head and I'm not absorbing anything being taught. KARIZMA COME ON GET YOUR CRAP TOGETHER is what you might be thinking right?? Like why do you feel this way?! I have a nice house, I always have food, my parents love me despite our arguments. My friends are cool and I've got some things going for me. So why can't I just feel okay?! Ahhhh. I'm so worried for my senior trip family cruise this week. I'm worried that I won't enjoy my time because I will be too focused on trying to be okay. I'm worried that it will zip past me and I'll go through the motions. But everything will be okay right, I mean I keep telling myself that. I'm throwing myself into social situations and I can just feel myself zoning out. I'm not listening to conversations and I'm messing up my speech when I respond to people. I promise I'm not avoiding anyone or ignoring people when you talk to me. My minds just an absolute wreck right now and I'm trying my best. And I know my blog is probably becoming too personal and annoying to which I apologize but I'm trying to show that's it's totally okay, to not be okay. And this is something people should talk about more. I shouldn't have to feel like I have to keep my thoughts to myself, or that I can't tell people because it makes me feel weak. Please, please, please if you are going through the same thing or something similar talk to someone. See a counselor, talk to a trusted adult. Take your meds, take a bath, use peppermint lotion on your chest and your legs, turn on classical music and go to bed. Eat ice cream, buy nail polish that makes you happy. Watch your favorite movie. Sit in a car with someone you trust and just cry. And sleep, please please sleep. I've started writing myself letter when things are really bad, and I write about how my future will be super cool whether it be in five years or five weeks. And my blog posts are not only advice for others but advice for myself.
Know you are valued and loved beyond explanation. I'm oh so proud of you for everyday simple things you're accomplishing. Maybe you got out of bed today, and you did a tad bit of homework. Maybe you drank water and ate some food. Maybe you slept for more than two hours.
Sometimes life gets tough, but just know you will never be alone. I have so much love for everyone going through similar things and I'm always a message away.
Take care of yourselves, you lovely formations of art ❤
- just an awkward, outspoken writer.
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