Who exactly is Karizma??

I've been asking myself this question for some time, who am I? and when I try to answer it I usually use a label such as oh I'm a musician, or I'm a dweeb. And I am these things however they don't define me, they more add to who Karizma is as a whole. Sometimes life gets messy, and you feel like you don't have your stuff together which can be the most frustrating feeling in the world. And on this stormy Monday evening, as the rain hits my window and I have Keaton Henson quietly playing in the background I'm pondering this question over and over again. Who am I?

    Sometimes people can experience this weird feeling as you look in the mirror of woah this is me, this is my body and this is my life. And sure physically I'm a 5'3" 1/2, African American, Native American, white, 17 year old who has slight acne, shortish brown hair and eyes that look black sometimes. I have an average sized body, I have smallish hands. My cheeks are slightly chunky, and sometimes my smile isn't the greatest and all of these things are what makes me who I am in a physical aspect but who am I internally? Why do I enjoy the things I do, and why do I cry so freaking much? I don't have the answer to all of these things, but I know definite things about myself.

I know that I find comfort in indie music and low lighting. And that getting lost in my favorite books makes me feel comfortable. I know that I criticize myself over my writing and my musical capabilities however I've been viewing my artwork in the sense of if this was another person would I really hate this or am I being too harsh on myself. I know that I ache for late night drives with my friends, good music and the stars. I know that I feel too strongly about literally everything and anything, and that I constantly feel the need to explain myself. I know that my heart breaks when I watch the news and that I over romanticize certain aspects of my life.I know that I care way too much about what everyone thinks and I let this get to me sometimes. I know that I think with my emotions sometimes when I know I should think logically.I know that I will always feel passionately about choral music, the northern lights and mom jeans. I know that I will continue to love everything and absolutely nothing at the same exact time, and that I will love certain aspects about everyone that I encounter but that it wont always be in a romantic manner. I know that I feel valued and loved when people listen to what I have to say on certain topics and how I feel. I know that I will always feel awkward and place my hands on my collar bone when I feel anxious. I know that I will always be incredibly awkward and quirky, but that I have a big heart. I know that sometimes I will make mistakes, whether they will be small or large, and that no matter how many times I say sorry it wont take away from the pain that it causes people. I know that I will always believe strongly in the things I do, and that I will always stand up for what I believe in. And I know that I will always second guess myself, and be my biggest roadblock, but these still don't tell me who I am as an individual.

I don't have all of the answers to any of these questions I constantly ask myself, and I know that each day I will come up with more and more questions and that these help me grow as an individual.

In the meantime I will keep falling in love with everything this planet has to offer. However through each situation I overanalyze I’ve developed a greater understanding regarding how my actions and thoughts will impact someone every day, whether it’s intentionally or not. My little sisters whom are 12 and 8 look up to me a lot now so I’m constantly concerned whether or not I am setting a good example for them. I’ve also learned that life is what you make of it, and each day you have the decision to give your best of give your worst. Personally I want to give my best each and every day. I’ve learned to formulate my opinions based off of facts and not emotions. I have set goals for myself to become a choral director or become an English teacher however I haven’t decided on one currently. I one day hope to be a mother, spouse and to change the world. Which I know I can’t do for everyone but to change the world of those around me will be enough. So in the meantime, I'll keep discovering new things about myself. I will enjoy my books, take more bubble baths and learn more about myself.

-Just an awkward, outspoken writer.